An alternate title to this post might be: "The Law Can't Change Irrational People."  Upon reflection, the real problem is that there is little that will change irrational people.

Lately I've shared the frustration of several clients who are trying to do their best by family members but the relationships are strained by unreasonable demands.  One client wants all of her siblings to feel good about the distribution of her mother's personal property, but her two brothers both want the same piece of furniture and insist that whomever does not receive it will feel irrevocably slighted.   The client hoped that I could counsel her through to some solutions, but everything I could advise was futile because neither brother was going to accept anything other than this item, and there is only one of them. 

Two other clients are struggling with the demands of older relatives.  The children and grandchildren are trying to see that Mom or Grandpa are cared for both physically and financially.  The relatives, though, are unreasonable and unappreciative.  The calls come in by the dozens every day with complaints about the softness of the tissues or the type of candy in the candy dish.  In one case, granddaughter took charge of Grandma's care because even Grandma's own children thought Grandma too hard to handle. 

Some irritability might be excused as a loved one ages and faces limitations.  This article from GrandTimes is helpful in learning how to cope with some of the ways that people may place unreasonable demands on others because of the losses experienced in aging.  However, the cases I have in mind involve people who were unreasonable even in the prime of their lives.  In a rare and sad moment of candor, one client said: "She's always been a nasty woman.  She's just gotten nastier as she got older." 

Is this a lack of respect for one's elders?  I don't think so.  Not in this case.  The speaker was spending so much time trying to meet her relative's needs that she had no time for her own family, for her business, or for herself.  The speaker felt guilty that she couldn't make her relative happy, but had to admit that nothing had ever made this woman happy.  She was starting to realize that her relative's negativity would destroy her if she didn't create limits (see this article from GrandTimes .  But even creating limits made her guilty. 

That's the conclusion I've come to about some situations.  As much as I'd like to, I can't help clients create a legacy of harmony and happiness if the other people involved don't want to get along and be happy.  The best I can do is help clients create the most conducive environment that will create the desired effect, but even the most fertile soil won't nourish a seed that refuses to grow. (A tortured metaphor but I hope it communicates).  Sometimes, when clients realize that, they change focus and decide their resources are better directed toward a different legacy, maybe with different family members or friends or even a charitable cause.  After all, we can't change other people, but we can change what we do.  That's sometimes the only way to create an intentional legacy when irrational people stand in the way.